Resistance and desire to create

I have meant to write about this for quite some time, but life gets in a way, and what is more likely – there is a resistance to write about resistance to create. This is something most of us artists face on a daily basis: I am filled with creative ideas, they are bubbling, streaming in, long to be explored and put on paper and canvas. But then there is that thing. Procrastination. Fear. Unidentified resistance to go to my art desk and just start. I wait for something. What is it? Clear schedule, good weather, no family obligation, me time, weekend, holiday, feeling brave, inspiration, good health, tons of energy, lots of money to buy half an art shop. I wait for all of it to arrive, preferably everything together, oh well at least half of it, oh wait and don’t forget – perfect cheerful mood – it has to be there too. So I wait and I wait.

I remember I waited for years. I started waiting in my early twenties and waited until I was 35. I remember Tallulah was just born and then reality hit me: none of it is ever going to arrive, to create that special atmosphere for me to sit down and start painting. I will have to bypass or dismiss all of it as unrealistic or “waaaaay too long” to wait for requirements, for me to become a creative full time.

I started fitting my creative time in between other bits of life. Bad weather? – Where is my heater? No half a day or a day to allocate to art? – I will make art 1 hour and half an hour in between other things. Baby in a way? I will paint with her. Terrified to start painting? – What is there to loose, I’ll just play with art supplies anyway. No inspiration? – Let me just start painting, oh wait, half an hour into the process – and here it comes! Not enough money to buy half an art shop? – I’ll work with what I have, people make a living out of charcoal drawings!

The worst of all of cause to overcome, or lets just say – to ignore – were health issues. How do you create when you have a flu, when you are depressed, or when you are in pain? How do you create with fibromyalgia? I decided to paint anyway, and after a while unexplained and strange phenomenon set in: when I paint, I don’t feel pain. It’s either goes away, or most likely – is there, but I don’t notice it.

I don’t want to scare people, but I often admit that art is hard, for many of us. This is just the way it is, we have an option: either suffer waiting for art to happen, or push through discomfort and make art anyway. To me, the first type of suffering is unbearable. Making art also gets me out of depression, and for some bizarre reason, I create my best art when I have a flu.

It kind of gave me a proof that creation in its pure form, exists besides/ alongside/ and despite of eventualities of life. It’s just does. You just have to take it and use it and discover it for yourself. Don’t wait for tomorrow, life is very short, and tomorrow might never come. Don’t wait for anything. Don’t live in suffering, because you are not creating, drop that suffering, start creating now.