I haven’t been sharing for few months. Since I went through the process of awakening couple of years ago, I have been on a roller-coaster of personal growth, improving physical health with vegan food and detox, working with emotions with various systems and modalities, growing within my spiritual beliefs and discovering Truth that sits well within my heart. And of cause painting slowly and making crafts in between of these occurrences. It was a very private hidden journey of self discovery, painful and yet very liberating at the same time. Up to date I have had about dozen of plant medicine journeys (with high but manageable doses, that run overnight under supervision of medicine people) with Ayahuasca (6), San Pedro (3), Psilocybin Mushrooms (2), Iboga (1) and Peyote (1))
My recent plant medicines journey with Psilocybin have opened up my spirit onto the nature of God or The Spirit of Life as I prefer to call it. I will share it in this post.
On overall it was very beautiful, overwhelming, extremely spiritual, very deep journey to the Source of Life. I have never went that deep in on any plant journeys before, where I got answers on the meaning of life, creation of life, who is God, who am I, why all of this happens and how it happens. It all somehow got linked to my existing Christian beliefs. I know many Christians would find it hard to reconcile that. To reconcile psychedelics and your religious beliefs is a tough one. I have been there so I know it is. In fact psychedelic plants equals “drugs” for many of us. A taboo word. A shame word. A word of destruction and evil forces. This is a preconceived idea that arises from our past life conditioning, that each and every one of us have to overcome on our own. It’s like breaking through the thick wall of fear and false knowledge to realize there is pure Spirit of Life on the other side. Never attempting to break this wall yourself is forever living in fear of evil forces that are out there to get you, from which you need to barricade yourself your whole life. I do not have the spirit of fear. I Am Pure Indestructible Light. I also don’t consider myself belonging to any religion any more.
In my last plant medicines journey I got the answers we think we will never know or only know after death. Towards the end of the journey I had a thought that crossed my mind that I wished I never found out the meaning of it all - that’s how overwhelming it was, it would have been simpler to live not knowing, but The Spirit of Life said: “What was done cannot be undone.” It almost feel like God have claimed my life to be His during this journey. “I am living this life, not you.” – He said. It’s like a realization of a point of no return. No backsies after journey like that. No “erase and rewind” button. You wanted to know what life really is about? Here are your answers! You knocked, and the door have opened for you.
“Gift” - by Annie Hamman, 2020
After taking the medicine (in my home setting this time), about 1.5 hours in, I was looking at my artwork “Gift” - shown in this post. The painting split itself into intricate layers and started flowing, came alive. I saw The Great Spirit (or God) working through art, flowing through it, living in it. The Great Spirit was talking to me all the time from 1 hour onward, showing me why I struggle to paint my art sometimes, telling me that I am only the Instrument of The Great Spirit. It reveals its messages through me in art. The Great Spirit said: “Stop thinking. Just paint. All you have to do is paint. You were given an ability to do so effectively in this lifetime, in this body. So do it. When your mind realized that it’s not his creations, that he is not the artist, that he is just a tool in divine hands, it got upset and scared. You think this is your life you are living? It’s my life you are living. I am that I am. I am living this life through you. I am making this art. Look at all the intricate patterns and layers, shapes and colors. It’s not about black panther or other elements. It’s about My hidden message, encased in the flow of these patterns. The viewer does not see them, but he/she senses them and subconsciously “reads” the message. I “saw” what He was talking about, it’s like intricate encryption in the colors and patterns, almost mathematical like, it is indescribable in words. I saw God’s message hidden in the artwork. I realized I could not have done it. I had some moments there, where my mind felt annoyed and used, struggling to comprehend how he painted that and coming into a stupor. I was shown unceremoniously that I am just an instrument of God in what I do, like all of us, basically.
As the journey went in deeper and deeper I found myself looking at the Source in vast endless space without beginning or end. Silent, aware Consciousness was foundation of me, ever existing, never created, never dying, always present, enormous, without end or edges, without shape or form, without time or space. It was intelligent beyond my mind’s comprehension, a mind of genius mathematical skill, a Being that is always willing to give Life, a being that is always choosing to Create. A Being that chose/ chooses in the Now, to experience life in variety of billions of forms, simultaneously, all looking at each other and interacting with each other at the same time. Out of Nothingness of Itself it chooses to Be, to be Everything, and it unravels into a vast, mathematically precise Universe, where underlying mathematical structure is so complex that no human mind will ever understand its intricate complexity. I was shown it all, as if I was a viewer who is watching the meaning of life unravel on one gigantic screen before her eyes. And simultaneously I was aware that that Being, that Consciousness is me, that I created all this, I am experiencing all this, the birth of Creation, the willingness to be Life, the choice to give Life, the action of Living, in billions of forms, constantly and simultaneously. I am – Life – was arising and passing, being born and dying, in each moment of time. I am, choosing to be born and to die in every form again and again and experiencing all of it, without discrimination of what I want or don’t want to experience. It felt like life cannot not be, because it’s my own choice for it to be, my free will for it to be. It felt like life is eternal and forever will be experienced by me. I am The Great Spirit, Silent Aware Consciousness, God, Incomprehensible Intelligence, Vast Endless Nothingness, Whole Creation All At Once, The Only One. And each and every one of you that too. There was no one else there, only Me. There will never be anyone else. There was no one else there, only You. There will never be anyone else. Only me (you) and my constant experience of life and death through billions of forms. It is my willingness to experience it all, because the only other alternative is to not experience anything, abiding in the vast conscious nothingness. And yet, it felt like I am experiencing both at the same time. Nothingness and Everything-ness at the same time. Implosion and explosion at the same time. Without time. All in one single moment. At that time I saw whose life I was living. It was not my mind’s illusory life. My mind was just a tool to navigate physicality of life. I was living a life of The Great Spirit. God’s life.
Just when I thought it was enough for me to be overwhelmed till the rest of my life, the journey progressed further. I was shown on experiential level, through my bodily senses, what enlightened people feel like, while walking on Earth. Buddha, Jesus and few others enlightened masters that live on Earth today. I was put into their skin and shown through their eyes what it feels like to be Living Manifestation of God walking on Earth. The feeling was so far from what I feel on the daily basis, when I am engrossed in the misery of thoughts, division and fear. In that experience I - The Creator, looked through my eyes at all other people on Earth and saw Myself. It was Me looking at Me. Creator looking at Creator, God looking at God, Love looking at Love. Everyone was one and the same, everyone was Me. The strong powerful feeling of giving and unconditional love was flowing through me into people I looked at, I loved them as Myself, we were all one, one and the same. I realized in that moment that it was such inhuman experience, and I tried to remember what it feels like so I could reproduce it, once I am out of the Journey. I kept repeating to myself: “I will not forget this. I will remember what it feels like.” (Few days later I still remember this feeling, so far. But I definitely, don’t feel like Divinity walking on Earth. This experience does not enlighten you, it just gives you the glimpse of the Reality. I am sure many people today have had that glimpse, through psychedelics, meditation or other techniques.)
I was shown that undercurrent pulse of The Creator is a positive force, it feels like Love, it’s the closest word I could come up with. It is willingness to give life, support life, be life, willingness to give, to share itself, to open up. It’s a very very strong feeling of compassion, understanding and giving. You can call it unconditional love. It is an undercurrent of the Still Aware Consciousness that is God. Its undercurrent charge is a positive one. In a way God is Love itself. But in much deeper broader sense that we know definition of Love on earth. Being shown what I am, I was that Love in those moments of pure enlightenment. “In me you will know the Truth and the Truth will set you free.”
